and they’re the ones who’ll have to live with it
i’m sure balthazar gets completely shitfaced every christmas eve, just so he’s ready to answer the phone when cass’ preachiest relatives start calling
please i really need a fic where cass & balthazar are just slowly getting together and everyone who knows balthazar is like, “is he in love? guess we’ll have to wait and see cause he’s ~too cool to show it in public”
except he’s like knucklebiting giddy in love and spends all his time making detailed date notes because cass is so cute and perfect and balthazar wants everything to go just right
“What does ‘sparkling water’ say to you?”
Cass sets the bottle delicately down on the table, looking at Balthazar expectantly.
“Something vaguely magical?” Balthazar offers after a moment’s thoughtful silence.
“That’s how it gets you.”
Cass falls back onto the sofa, crossing his arms and watching the bottle with clear disdain.
“It draws you in sounding like the fountain of youth,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “Then it betrays you.”
Balthazar leans on his hands, humming softly.
“Maybe it’s a test,” he offers. “The fountain of youth, but only if you drink it all.”
Cass stares at him, disbelieving and vaguely horrified.
“It is life eternal,” Balthazar explains.
Cass is silent for a long moment, his gaze passing slowly between Balthazar and the bottle.
He takes a deep breath, his jaw set.“I’ll do it.”
(#that time hannah got a video of cass chugging a bottle of sparkling water #dedicated to my mom's horrific suggestion that orange juice + sparkling water is the exact same as fanta #today i was personally betrayed by pizza snax how about you?)
One time in high school I was waiting to talk to the Vice Principal and this other kid came in and sat down next to me. He said “What are you in for?” And I said “Oh, they just want to know if it’s cool if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium. What are you in for?” and he said that he stabbed a kid with a screwdriver. I told him we led very different lives and he agreed.
imagine ur otp
cass jokingly castigating balthazar about leaving him alone as he’s on his way out to a party
“you’re not alone!” balthazar protests, pointing to the cats. “you’re having a night in with your children”“balthazar.” says cass sternly. he smirks. “our children”
cass & balthazar have just finished hauling their library’s worth of book boxes into their new house
cass is looking for one book in particular
balthazar joins the search
on the floor, bent all the way over a box
in very tight jeans
when he actually finds it and makes to stand triumphantly, cass is just watching him like,“no. keep looking.”
hi hello please imagine cass & balthazar & hannah all together on the couch, doing their own things, except their legs are all folded over each other in an outstretched heap propped up on the coffee table
and hannah’s gaming and eventually cass puts down his book so they can pokémon battle, and they’re laughing and booping each other with their toes
and balthazar’s on his phone running 7 apps at once and taking pics of them until the whole thing crashes, and everyone gets jostled and knee-punched when he shakes & swears at it& it’s the 4th time it’s happened in an hour, so cass & hannah just lose it, take his phone, and sit on him instead
cass telling hannah more stories like
“but he only really gets drunk on new year’s eve, so i have to make the most of it”
flashback to balthazar, crying, belting out “my heart will go on” while cass accompanies him on recorder
“yooou’re heeeeeere, there’s nooooOOOTHING I FEEEAR”*toooooot*
one fine summer’s day, a day like any other, in a town like any other
cass digs a camcorder out of storage and starts following balthazar around the house with it
“this fine, yet enigmatic, creature holds many secrets that may never be known,” cass begins, in his very best rp accent, “as it rises each day at a truly ungodly hour.”
“i prefer ‘respectable hour’,” balthazar corrects him
“every day, without fail, this strange creature seems to disappear for parts unknown,” cass intones as balthazar comes in from his jog, “presumably to display its superior musculature and show up its nestmates.”
“my, grandmother, what a large axe you have to grind,” balthazar raises his eyebrows, taking a swig from his water bottle
later, cass carefully enters the kitchen while balthazar is cooking, hovering in the doorway.
“now, we must approach with extreme caution,” he stage-whispers, “as this can be a volatile time for the creature.”
“you put my fresh béarnaise sauce in the freezer!” balthazar exclaims, shaking his spatula at the camera. “listen, who are you selling this to? i refuse to be shown on fox or mtv.”
“it’s for hannah.”
“under contract to bbc four.”
“she wants to get to know you, too, before we start dating, so i promised to make her a documentary.”
“well,” balthazar scoffs, “i must say, you make a pisspoor salesman.”
“i prefer ‘honest salesman’,” cass insists.
“here, give me that.” balthazar takes the camera and trains it on cass’ face.
“and what, o gallant explorer,” he asks, “will you do with this fine specimen once you’ve captured him?”cass smirks. “i’m gonna wrassle it.”
i do so love balthazar’s passive-aggressive total dismissiveness when dealing with people he doesn’t like (”you two were such an adequate stick, thank you”)
like just imagine dean confronting cass postseparation, and balthazar very politely tapping him on the shoulder
“who the hell are you?” cause dean’s never seen this guy before in his life“good afternoon, i’m room service,” says balthazar, with a very courteous bow. “i’m here to take out the trash”
go on a monty python binge when you’re trying to write anything remotely serious
i leave you with this advice and hereby resign any attempts at writing in perpetuity. goodbye.
on the other hand
do imagine cass shuffling blearily into the kitchen first thing in the morning and asking balthazar what he’s got for breakfastand balthazar just starts like, “well, there’s egg and bacon, egg sausage and bacon, egg and spam, egg bacon and spam-”
All month now I’ve had that “First of May” song stuck in my head.
Balthazar spends the entire second half of April singing “first of May~ first of May~ outdoor fucking starts today~” under his breath and acting all cheery with anticipation
until finally Cass whips his head around like, “No, actually, I am NOT looking forward to grass stains in places I can’t even see and ants in every possible orifice!”
“Well, when you put it that way,” Balthazar huffs.
Except when he tries to sleep at night he suddenly can’t shake the mental image, quietly grinding his teeth in fear and extreme discomfort.
“What’s wrong?” asks Cass, rolling over.
“Ants,” he moans, sweating.
Cass tries very hard not to laugh and does succeed.
“Oh, Balthazar,” he sighs, pressing close and whispering huskily in his ear. “They’re everywhere.”
Balthazar just whimpers faintly and pulls the blanket over his head.
You really cannot tell me there’s any universe where Cass has a phone that Balthazar hasn’t put Neko Atsume on.
Pick literally any one. Canon? Human? French Revolution? Doesn’t matter.
Cass -> phone -> “that cat game I’m sure you’ll love”
Balthazar asking him eventually if there’s actually an ending to it?“Cats are forever, Balthazar.”