(no subject)

[theamazingdalet.livejournal.com]

cass did, reluctantly, allow pictures of himself to be taken right after he left that night. they’re in a folder in an envelope at the bottom of his duffel and he hates having to carry them around

he really hopes to someday trust balthazar again enough to ask him to hold onto them without ever looking at them, but then he beats himself up about whether or not that’s fair
in fact, the more time he spends with balthazar, the more he wants to tell him. tell him everything. tell him what happened that night. tell him exactly what and why he left.

the problem though, always, always in the back of his mind, is that actually, that one time, he hit first.

it’s not that cass feels guilty. he knows it was self defence. he knew dean was going to hit him, and he knew dean always goes straight for his head, so that cass is stunned and can’t even think straight, never mind hit back. he knew that hitting first was his only chance of turning another beating into a fight

but he’s told this story once before, and the why didn’t matter. the fact that dean walked away with maybe a bruise and cass almost didn’t walk away at all didn’t matter

well, they said, that’s awful, but

“but you hit first”

and somewhere, deep down, cass was furious, but he was also tired and numb and, in the end, he said nothing

he couldn’t do that again, though, not anymore. he’s happier nowadays, with balthazar, but he’s also angrier, and he knows it’s a good thing but he also knows he can’t smother it like he used to

“but you hit first”

just thinking about it cass wants to scream. if he ever hears it again he knows he’s going to explode, no matter who it is, and he does not want that person to be balthazar