Every Me Loves Every You

one day, after balthazar has been making dinner for cass & hannah for a while, they start joking about having a pizza party and balthazar’s like, “sounds like fun! i’ll get started~”

and they’re like “no, no, a pizza party is a time for greasy takeout, your food is just too good”

so balthazar humphs and pouts a little but then he’s like, “no wait, life is all about trying new things. i’m going to do this, i’m going to make you the BEST terrible, greasy pizza you’ve ever had!”

first, he interviews them both about what exactly makes the best terrible, greasy pizza

hannah’s like, “when it all runs down your chin with every bite, and also stuffed crusts”

cass’ like, “i remember this pizza place when i was little where the sauce was always gray instead of red, and i never figured it out but it was delicious”

balthazar just nods and takes it all down carefully in his fancy notebook

then they’re off to the supermarket to buy ingredients, touring the freezer section so balthazar can make a “character study” of the frozen pizzas and ask deep, searching questions like, “what would you say is the essence of delissio?”

back home in the kitchen, cass & hannah cheer him on as balthazar tries desperately to subdue his instincts. “MORE PLEBEIAN”, they yell every time he reaches for too-fancy cheese

(they’re filming all of this btw)

finally, when it’s in the oven, balthazar looks so pleased like, “this is going to be excellent. here, go set the table,” and cass & hannah are like, “what table?”

hi hello please imagine cass & balthazar & hannah all together on the couch, doing their own things, except their legs are all folded over each other in an outstretched heap propped up on the coffee table

and hannah’s gaming and eventually cass puts down his book so they can pokémon battle, and they’re laughing and booping each other with their toes

and balthazar’s on his phone running 7 apps at once and taking pics of them until the whole thing crashes, and everyone gets jostled and knee-punched when he shakes & swears at it

one fine summer’s day, a day like any other, in a town like any other

cass digs a camcorder out of storage and starts following balthazar around the house with it

“this fine, yet enigmatic, creature holds many secrets that may never be known,” cass begins, in his very best rp accent, “as it rises each day at a truly ungodly hour.”

“i prefer ‘respectable hour’,” balthazar corrects him

“every day, without fail, this strange creature seems to disappear for parts unknown,” cass intones as balthazar comes in from his jog, “presumably to display its superior musculature and show up its nestmates.”

“my, grandmother, what a large axe you have to grind,” balthazar raises his eyebrows, taking a swig from his water bottle

later, cass carefully enters the kitchen while balthazar is cooking, hovering in the doorway.

“now, we must approach with extreme caution,” he stage-whispers, “as this can be a volatile time for the creature.”

“you put my fresh béarnaise sauce in the freezer!” balthazar exclaims, shaking his spatula at the camera. “listen, who are you selling this to? i refuse to be shown on fox or mtv.”

“it’s for hannah.”

“oh?”

“under contract to bbc four.”

“hmm… acceptable.”

“she wants to get to know you, too, before we start dating, so i promised to make her a documentary.”

“well,” balthazar scoffs, “i must say, you make a pisspoor salesman.”

“i prefer ‘honest salesman’,” cass insists.

“here, give me that.” balthazar takes the camera and trains it on cass’ face.

“and what, o gallant explorer,” he asks, “will you do with this fine specimen once you’ve captured him?”